that time of year

It's june and this used to be my favorite time of year, but for the last 5 years it's just become a sort of countdown of lasts of a life and a lifetime that seems so much further away then just 5 years. I know I should be beaming with happiness- we can play outside, I have two wonderful boys, a great husband who is a wonderful father... but still there is something lurking in the depths of my brain and I know I'm never going to be able to let go, to truelly recover ... although this year for the first time I'm angry... and in a weird way it feels good to be angry. I am reading a book, curiously enough it was a book laying on the info desk that had to be reshelved and it caught my eye because of the title- seven ts... so I read the back and discovered it was a book on suicide recovery. It's got some religious aspects to it... but I actually could relate because it wasn't saying use god to help you through, it was find something even if just meditation to help you. It also suggested getting a pet... my little man is not a pet but I would hate to know what would have happened if I had not become pregnant... I was spiraling down a bad path, I think he saved my life whether physically or mentally I can't answer. The author, Judy Collins, 13 years after the suicide of her son wrote this book, now it was her son and that just seems so far worse then a significant other. I guess though she didn't fight with him on that day and while she probably has a bunch of what if's floating around in her head, the biggest of my what if's is... was it my fault... I know I didn't put that gun to his head but what if my words to him were the same as a gun and that bullet.